Born – With Spoilers So You Don’t Have to Watch!

23 Jul

Yesterday, I unfortunately watched the movie Born. This movie was completely awesome in how awful it was. The premise itself wasn’t bad, which is the reason we picked it up. A bizzaro Immaculate Conception (by a fly) leaves a virgin (Mary Elizabeth) holding a demon fetus that grows incredibly fast and takes over her body. Through the movie we learn that her brother is Asmodeus, the ruler of the 13th level of Hell or some shit and that the child is his. He wants to be human again, and in order to do that the demon fetus must feast on humans (or crow blood at one point) six times before it is born – a lover, a friend, a sister, a father and a murderer must be included – in order for everything to go according to plan. We meet him in a therapists office in the first scene, telling the therapist that he is a demon and I guess he feels bad for the murders. I don’t know, I wasn’t too sure on that part. The family is devoutly catholic, so of course the church must be duped into believing that for the demon to be taken care of, it must be born. To accomplish this, Asmodeus/brother poses as a cardinal and enlists a former military special ops guy but current priest to watch over her and make sure nothing happens to Mary Elizabeth.

So as the movie goes on, M.E. eventually realizes that, holy shit, this is a demon child, and tries to fight back. Her big hero moment comes when the demon is making her kill her father but she fights back and tells her father to kill the demon child. The old man is holding his oxygen tank above his head (which, btw, he brings with him to smoke which just seems like bad news waiting to happen), but can’t bring himself to drop the tank on the pregger stomach. Lucky for them, the demon regains control of M.E.’s body and is able to slice the fathers ankle, forcing him to drop the tank on the bulging midsection, effectively knocking out the demon. They try to perform surgery to abort the demon, but are stopped by the house help Ivan and the sister (who apparently is on the devil’s side now?). The demon then closes the opening in the stomach like a trap door (by far the funniest part of the movie) and now things really start to twist.

The devoutly catholic sister we now learn has stayed a virgin hoping that she would be the host for a demon child rebirth thing. Ivan is also part of Asmodeus‘ team. The priest is captured during the abortion mishap and put in a medieval spike cage thing so he can’t escape. He will be the last kill, since he is a murderer from his ex-Army days. Also, he was conveniently involved since he thought he was helping a cardinal and was therefore easy to capture. However, being the smart man that he is, he starts calling the short-fused Ivan a fag, and Ivan murders him, taking out their last kill. Asmodeus, however, is no fool. The priest thinks he has outsmarted him, but Asmodeus has the last laugh, realizing (long after anyone watching) that Ivan is now a killer too since he killed the priest! So Ivan is murdered for the last kill, and all 6 heads of the murdered are placed at different points of a pentagram drawn on the floor so the birth can take place. The birth happens and a normal baby (not the awful thing that was in the trap door stomach scene) is born. But, who is that coming up the stairs? The therapist! Turns out, she was the devil, not just a ruler of a level like Asmodeus. She’s none to happy he went to a shrink for his murder guilt complex, so instead of following through on the deal, she sends him back to hell. She then takes the baby and that’s all we hear of it. The movie ends with Mary Elizabeth in a church vowing to find the child and raise it in God’s name and to fight the demon, and the priest says he will help. After this takes place, what would you know, but a fly lands on Mary Elizabeth’s face and the movie ends, leaving us to think “My what a lucky girl to get to carry a second demon spawn!”

So, this movie had more twists than a bag of Twizzlers, but unfortunately not one of them made any sense, nor did they add to the movie in the least. The effects were laughable, all of them from the trap door stomach to the lactation of ooze straight from Ninja Turtles to the water breaking looking like a dumping of Nick Slime. The plot was awful. They tried to make you think, but it just wasn’t happening. The acting was just horrific. When the demon spoke through Mary Elizabeth, it made me want to laugh and punch her in the face at the same time. The unintentional comedy is through the roof. I don’t think it was meant as a mock horror movie, but it did a great job of impersonating one. I don’t know which is more sad, the fact that someone thought this was a legitimate movie, or the fact that I’ve spent near 1,000 words talking about it. If this movie cost more than the $1.07 I’d be angry that I wasted time, but it provided a few good laughs along with killing time at work to write this review, so I can’t say that it was a total waste of my buck. Still, don’t get it. Ever.

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